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The eroticism of being seen

Being seen is deeply terrifying. ⁣ ⁣ And it’s also fucking hot. ⁣ ⁣ And what we sometimes miss in the desire to be seen is that the appeal of it actually comes from your willingness to feel all of the sensations. ⁣ ⁣ Terror included. ⁣ ⁣ We LOVE feeling terror. ⁣ ⁣ There is something so tingly, so exciting, so ALIVE about letting

9 years ago today I lost my brother

Last night I went looking for her, the girl I was 9 years ago, the girl who lost her brother. I re-activated my first Facebook ever. I remembered writing messages to Damon, while he sat unconscious in the ICU, because I didn’t know how else to talk to him. Talking directly to him was weird, because he didn’t respond. So I wrote my messages through

A woman called me ugly and this is how I responded

Somebody wrote to Jordan last night to tell him that I was ugly and to ask why he kept posting about me. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ This woman has based her career on being a model (and is now a dating coach).⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I spent my entire teenage life thinking that my looks were the only source of my value. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I spent so much time

We crave the things that are bad for us

Every few months, my victimized inner teenager will win and I’ll have a pizza binge. Pizza makes my body very sick. I’ve been eating a specific diet this year. Not an overly-restricted, no-exceptions kind of diet – but more a “I have to admit that my body no longer tolerates certain foods” kind of diet. It is so closely related to the inner work I’ve

The earth longs to be seen by us

The earth longs to be seen by us. Not seen with your eyes. Not like “oh, that’s a pretty tree.” It longs to be felt. Deep inside your body. To be recognized as another being. Each tree. The mud. Each branch, leaf, bug, body of water. They want you to feel them. To open and allow them in. To allow for an energetic exchange. We

I used to think I hated cooking & it was too girly of an activity for me

I used to think I hated cooking. I thought I was bad at it. I thought that I was a feminist woman and cooking was below me. The first month I stayed with Jordan, I did not cook him one. Thing. And then… when we started to talk about living together… he was like, I can’t take care of every meal. So I had to

Watch the stories your mind creates

This morning, Jordan and I were getting ready to go on vacation (a covid-safe trip, to his family’s house on the coast). He left to pick up our rental car. I was in a fantastic mood, cleaning the house, getting everything ready to leave. When Jordan came back, he was quiet. He didn’t give me much attention. I knew he hadn’t eaten yet, that he

You desire the things that secretly disgust you

A couple years ago, I was listening to Carolyn Elliott talking about embodying your sexual opposite. The idea was to experiment with taking on the identity that you hate the most. I knew what mine was. I knew what sexual archetype ABSOLUTELY disgusted me. It was the image of a Playboy Bunny-esque type of woman, saying in this sly, submissive voice, “I like that Daddy.”

Shunning makeup is a sign of wounding with the masculine

Shunning makeup can be a big “fuck you” to the patriarchy And it is also a sign of wounding with the masculine. I clung to makeup throughout my entire teenage life. I had horrible acne. I refused to let anyone see me without full foundation ever. I touched it up throughout the day, during soccer practices. I took makeup with me into the shower at

Feeling and naming your full desire: Jordan pays for our lives & this is what that looks like

Earlier this year, I was lying on the grass, headphones in, listening to one of my teachers talk about feeling your full desire. She mentioned how when we don’t express 100% of our desire to someone, we rob them of the ability to feel 100% of our appreciation. I thought about how I owed Jordan money. How I was “supposed” to feel so grateful to