Feeling like I “ruined” my body & having more than enough

“You ruined it.” That is what my mind sometimes says when I look in the mirror right now. You ruined it. Part of me is horrified that I ruined it. Part of me is super gleeful that I ruined it. The deeper part of me is like, ruined what? What did I “ruin”? Can my body ever be “ruined”? I feel amazed at my body,

Healing my inner teenager & being hungry before bed

Last night Jordan and I stayed up talking for a few hours, lying in bed. It was close to midnight and right as we were ready to sleep I realized I was starving. When I was little, there were nights where I would lie in bed, not wanting to go to sleep because I was hungry. I would say “I’m hungry” and my mom would

Gaining weight: the first two months, going shopping

I have gained around 14 pounds in the last two months. It’s hard to say exactly; weighing myself wasn’t a big habit of mine. But my weight has hovered around 133 for the past 5 or 6 years (aside from a few months years ago where I was lifting a ton and it got up to 138 or so). And I think I last knew

Food & ice cream & weight gain & nourishment (the beginning)

I have been eating ice cream every day. This is a far cry from the woman I was last year, who thought sugar was dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. And it’s even farther from the 20-year-old who cut out food groups, did “cleanses” where she did not eat, was paranoid of eating basically anything, and desperately tried to “fix” her body. This

RUNNING ON EMPTY: the pattern of not nourishing yourself until it is too late

I used to have this pattern of waiting until the absolute last minute before giving myself something I needed. I would wait until my bank account was at $0 and my credit card bill was a day overdue before transferring money over from other accounts in order to pay it. I would wait until I totally ran out of a hair product to order more

Here are some things you might not like about me

Here are some things you might not like about me: These are just some things I think you should know ahead of time. I eat meat. And use plastic and love Amazon and buy new clothes and I care about the earth a lot all at the same time. I talk to trees and plants and rocks and all of the earth. And they talk


I have gone down the trigger warning hole before. I started my posts with warning! This piece references assault. Wanting to protect the world from their responses. I thought that it was a kind thing to do. You know what used to send me into a trigger? A full-blown body response, where I’d have to breathe off an impending panic attack? Anybody telling a story

Healthy relationships & my relationship with my dad

I have always had really healthy relationships. I had three boyfriends from the ages of 20-26. All of these men really saw the innate essence of me and appreciated it to the extent that they could at the time. Really to the extent that I could allow myself to open and be seen by them, if I’m being really honest. They mirrored the amount that

Self-sacrifice is not love

I grew up with a model of love called “sacrifice yourself for somebody else.” Love meant abandoning one’s own needs in order to meet the perceived needs of others. But what this creates is the inability to love your own self deeply. And it’s actually not love. Love does not require abandoning what is true in order to make somebody feel better. The truth is

Messages from nature: Days 23-33 (part 3 of 3)

– part 1 – part 2 Day 23 Today I am nature⁣ ⁣ I am lying in my bed and it is dark outside and the earth is saying you moved a lot, today, rest your system ⁣ ⁣ No photos outside⁣ ⁣ Take a salt bath⁣ ⁣ I spent the day in’s MOTHER portal and I threw up and cleared and felt⁣ My relationship