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Sad celebration of the life of my past self

A month and a half ago I went to the beach. I was in my new, bigger body, but I hadn’t fully inhabited her yet. I felt like I was letting go of the girl – really she was slowly being pulled away from me – but I wasn’t yet fully in my woman. I got on a call with Perri, crying, and she said

I like luxury

I like luxury. ⁣ ⁣ I like to be dirty on the forest floor too but I always end up needing to come back to my clean sheets and pretty things. ⁣ ⁣ When I was younger I would stay in $3 hostels ridden with bugs and I adored it. ⁣ ⁣ I really identified with scarcity. ⁣ ⁣ Being able to survive on less.

The hardest parts about this process – real update of where I’m at

This process – of feeding myself more – has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It took me months to realize the extent of my restrictions and to fully go All In. That only really happened in June. Some days I feel miserable. Where I’ve only slept 3 hours because I didn’t eat enough before bed because I was tired and just wanted to

We are nature & the earth is not grieving

I am actually super unattached to whether we get ourselves out of this mess we are in, as humanity. Sometimes people see me talk about how I use plastic or am not that concerned with whether my choices are “sustainable” or eating meat and they interpret that as me not caring about the earth. Which is so funny. Because it is all that I care

My journey of becoming

I had to do it in steps. First, my brother’s accident, writing about the pain. Then writing about my skin, my attachment to makeup, letting that go. I remember that being the scariest thing I had ever done at that time. For my entire teenage life I had plastered my face in foundation. I carried it everywhere. I did not let anyone see me without

Sometimes he will be soft

He will not be in his masculine all the time. Sometimes he will be soft. At least, I hope for your sake that sometimes he is soft. That you get to see the hint of his wounded inner child in his eyes. That you feel him sob into your breasts, so that you can feel how your body is the mother of the earth, and

TRULY GOING ALL IN – normal grocery stores, processed food, and up 40 lbs

I’m sitting here with a bowl of instant ramen. While the water was boiling I held the package, bright green plastic crinkling in my hands. There must have been 30 ingredients. Mostly things I couldn’t pronounce. MSG. Flavorings. Chemicals. And I watched as my mind wanted to freak the fuck out and I said this is actually going to make us healthier. This is what

This body wants sex

This body wants sex. ⁣ ⁣ A week ago or so something happened and my desire for sex just fully unlocked. ⁣ ⁣ I don’t know what it was. A culmination of a lot of things, I think. Years of work with sexual energy and the dismantling of conditioning and suddenly I am feeling my pure desire. ⁣ ⁣ And maybe just eating. A fully

I’ve gained 30 lbs: feeding myself fully & trusting my hunger

133. 147. 162. I think some people think I am trying to gain weight. But that’s not true. The weight gain has been a byproduct of fully listening to my actual hunger. Letting my body tell me what it wants instead of judging it, controlling it, trying to fix it, or make it be the way I think it should be. So when I look

Donuts & Doritos & Crossing 160: Going “Out of Control”

Last night I finally crossed 160. I had just finished two donuts and a slushie (yep, no more only whole foods – I’ll get to that later) and I just had a feeling. I’ve been stepping on the scale for the past week being like, did I do it yet?! But every day it was like 156, 158, even 159.6, 157, 158…. just hovering. This