Why You Feel Shitty When You're Transforming
April 27th, 2018 ~ Demetra Nyx
You really want to grow.
Maybe you’ve been working for a while on your emotional patterns – feeling more secure, not reacting out of anger, not becoming so attached and derailed by anxiety and depression.
Maybe you’re just working on creating your life and feeling more confident and joyful and pleasurable in all ways.
And sometimes, you feel like you’ve reached a major breakthrough.
Life feels amazing and colorful and pleasurable and you’re like: why wasn’t I able to see all of this before?!
And then after a few hours or days or maybe a week…
You feel shitty again.
Everything you just thought you’d surpassed doesn’t feel true after all.
We have two options when this happens:
One, to let it be as it is; and two, to think oh my god I thought I was having a breakthrough but really I’m just as bad as I thought and I’ll never get through this and I’ll be broken forever!
This is so normal.
The problem is, if you have the second thought and then attach to it, it will put you in a spiral of bad feelings that makes it seem like you’re failing and can ruin your entire day.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
First, let’s talk about why this happens:
You can think of your brain as having lots of wires and pathways and routes that it takes to get things done. These pathways are created from the time we’re very young.
They are formed by our environments, by the experiences we have, and how we’re raised. Most of the time, they have nothing to do with us.
Our brains and bodies do the best they can to survive.
For example, they create things like insecurity. In hopes that if you feel insecure about your body, then you’ll try to change it, and then you’ll fit in better…
… So that more people will like you. So that you’ll belong.
And sometimes, once the “bigger” you realizes that having that thought pattern isn’t actually helping you…
And you’d rather not have it…
… You start to work through it. And you start working through past conditioning and past experiences.
What you’re really doing is creating new pathways.
Say your normal response to looking in the mirror used to be, “I hate my body.”
And now, after having so many realizations, you’re starting to look in the mirror and think, “I love myself.”
These are two separate pathways, two distinctly different responses to looking in the mirror.
When we create a new pathway, and we start to become used to that pathway, it makes sense that we’d prefer to only stick with that pathway all the time — especially if it’s a “better” one, one that feels good.
But our brains don’t work that way. And so instead, what will happen is that you start using that new pathway… but only some of the time.
Typically, you’ll be able to use that healthier pathway for some time, but then you’ll get your period or your car will break down or your partner will yell at you and it will trigger your brain to go back to the old pathway instead.
Again – normal.
I think of it like a pendulum, swinging back and forth between two extremes. It’s why one day you can be super happy and love your body and yourself and feel like you’ve burst through all things holding you back… And then the next you hate what you look like and hate your emotions and don’t think you’ll ever get through it.
One of my teachers even says that sometimes when we experience that kind of “crash” after intense pleasure, it’s just us experiencing alll of the things that prevented us from getting to the pleasure in the first place.
The unconscious becoming conscious.
So what to do???
The only thing to do is to accept that this, too, is part of the process.
There is never going to be a time when your brain goes to the new pathway 100% of the time.
What will happen is that the old pathway starts to lose its power — so, you might think “I hate my body” but it won’t cut to your core, won’t derail you anymore. You’ll just think oh, there’s that thought again.
In fact, you need that thought — you can’t feel the pleasure of loving your body without knowing what hating your body also feels like.
You can even have compassion for the part of yourself that originally created that belief. Perhaps it was a belief that came from your parents or your peers or society in general, or maybe it was a pattern that developed in order to protect you from something. Chances are, it was a combination of both.
The answer is to do nothing — to hold yourself through it and to love that this is all part of your process.