*a note! Someone offered the terms “guide” and “surrenderer” as replacements for “masculine” and “feminine.” This is helpful if you are caught up in the idea that masculine and feminine energies must relate to gender. They do not. This piece elaborates on this a bit more. I’m still considering if our language has any other terms that would work (“guide” and “surrenderer” don’t sum it up enough), but for now, keep this in mind.
There is room.
There is room for you to be a strong, boundaried, powerful woman and for you to still surrender to your partner and let them lead and be in charge.
There is room for you to be taken care of. For you to let your partner make most of the decisions. For you to relax into creativity, and flow, and existence.
If you want to.
There can be such a strong anger response from women when told we can be more feminine with our partners. It makes sense. There have been hundreds of years of patriarchy, not allowing us to have boundaries and shutting us down.
No person has benefited from the pressure of traditional gender roles. I am not suggesting you return to the kitchen, give him sex always, never challenge him, and never work. I am not suggesting that he shouldn’t feel, should always hold his center, should provide for the entire family himself, and should put his success above his emotions.
I want men to cry in the arms of their partners. I want women to have their own successful businesses and to have strong boundaries in bed.
And I have also felt an aching from feminine women to be allowed to be more feminine.
I have heard men wondering where the beautiful feminine radiance and softness went, that they so deeply want to serve.
For me, trying to have an equal partnership where I took charge often and told my ex directly what to do did not make me happy.
It did on paper. But not underneath the surface. Not when my entire being was tired, was begging me to choose a man who I could trust deeply enough to surrender to.
I have incredible boundaries in my relationship. I tell Jordan when I am angry, I say no when I don’t want to have sex, I tell him what I need from him (and I do it in a feminine way).
And I also let him lead us. I let him make decisions because I know he wants what is best for me and he always takes my desires into account. I fully trust his vision for our lives. He is a man worthy of my submission.
This dynamic keeps us both, very often but not always, on either end of the energetic poles traditionally termed “masculine” and “feminine.” And that’s what makes our sex life so great.
We all have these masculine and feminine energies within us.
If you are always late, don’t set boundaries well with others, have no ambition or drive for anything, or don’t have any form of structure in your life, you might be lacking in a developed healthy masculine. If you can’t express emotion, feel like you don’t have certain emotions, don’t have body awareness, and are generally lacking in pleasure for pleasure’s sake, you might have an underdeveloped feminine.
This isn’t “bad” – it’s human. And you can choose how deeply you want to discover and embody and express those energies. For me, accepting and allowing my natural feminine essence has been so incredibly healing. It’s allowed me to trust all of life. It’s allowed me to set up my life in a way that’s more conducive to me – I rarely have a ton of scheduled things in my calendar, it makes me miserable. I don’t have a business plan or a content schedule. I decide what to do by the way I feel. I regularly take baths and light candles and dance to music and do things that connect me to my pleasure, my turn-on, my feminine radiance.
And I rely on my masculine to help me navigate my life. My masculine helps me make logical decisions. When Jordan and I talk about our finances every month, I put my feelings to the side and I relate to him more like a business person. I go to the gym regularly and lift heavy weights with a very masculine, structured program. I set strong boundaries with other people. I am on time for my clients. If there is a crisis, I fucking handle it.
We need both. We always need both. Usually, no matter what gender we are, we feel more comfortable in one than in the other. When I’m in my masculine all day, I feel exhausted. When I have to make a ton of decisions and show up for scheduled things and accomplish tasks, I become miserable.
I can do it! And I feel secure enough in that now to know that I can choose not to do it.
That is the difference. We can do everything. But is it truly making you happy when you do? Because I feel happier when Jordan is making our plans and I don’t have scheduled things in my calendar and I can lie on my floor and cry and move to music all day.
The terms “masculine” and “feminine” are not ideal. But I think there’s also room to understand that while our language needs to leave room for trans people and non-binary folks… it is still true that the majority of people are masculine-dominant men with penises and feminine-dominant women with vulvas.
Is this simply because we are socialized differently? I don’t know, but I suspect probably somewhat, and also not entirely. We are different. This is okay.
There is the sun and there is the moon. The sun, shining brightly and intensely and going dark at night. The moon, going through phases throughout the month, like a womb. The sun, traditionally masculine. The moon, traditionally feminine.
Our bodies, with penetrative penises, or receptive pussies, and some with both. Is it any wonder that the terms historically corresponded with our bodies?
There are still two poles. Two opposite charges. Receptive vs penetrative. Flowing vs still. Night vs day. Yin vs yang. They are all spectrums.
This is not exclusionary. Some people’s bodies don’t match the way they feel. Some people with vulvas want to identify as men or as no gender and they can be either masculine or feminine-energy-dominant or a more even distribution of both – the same as all people. All people have both.
And all couples will have to be occupying opposite poles when they are engaging sexually if they want really intense sex.
This is not necessary all the time. Jordan and I sometimes have sex where we are both more toward the middle of our energies. This sex is beautiful. It is nurturing and we cry and it is calming and we are in love. There is not a strong “charge.” You can have that type of sex always for the rest of your life, if you want to.
And it would not surprise me if you’d get bored of it. We like that charge. We like that spark. That’s why sometimes we meet a new person and feel activated. If I meet a very masculine man, I’m often going to feel a charge whether I’m attracted to them or have a desire for them or not. He pushes me into my feminine just by existing. I’m sensitive to it, and I feel it.
And that’s often why people feel bored in their relationships – they don’t have the spark anymore that they had when they initially met.
It’s usually because they’ve become friends more than lovers. They’ve moved more toward the middle of the spectrum.
And they can decide to cultivate that spark, that charge, intentionally again. By occupying one of the poles. By providing. By submitting.
Can I be in the masculine pole during sex? Sure. I have been – I’ve tied past partners up, I’ve been in charge. It let me release some aggression and emotion. But I don’t prefer it. That’s why in BDSM you’re usually a dom, a sub, or a switch – you can be any or all things. But most people have a natural preference.
One of you has to lead. One of you has to follow. The positive sides of two batteries pushed together repel one another. It creates no charge if you both lead or if you both follow.
In friendship, you don’t need that charge. Most of my best friends are very feminine women. That feels great.
When I am being creative I am feeling like I am being penetrated by life. There is a reason Jordan and I feel our creativity differently. He feels like he is penetrating the world. I feel like I am being filled up by the world.
Your boundaries are very important. Your discernment is very important.
You should not submit to anyone who is not worthy of your submission. I do not submit to every man I know just because I am a feminine woman.
You’ll know if you don’t trust a man because you won’t want to submit to him. It will feel bad if/when you do. Things might not get accomplished. You might feel bad about yourself, you might feel like less. You might feel an initial gut reaction to him that makes you want to avoid him, and to not even want to submit to him in the first place.
All of these things should be trusted. Your body should be the authority. Your body should be trusted.
There is discernment to be had here between your own triggers and what your intuition is saying. If you’re really used to being in your masculine, and your partner is kind and loving (read: not abusive), it might still feel hard to submit to him – and that’s your work to do. But you’ll know if it’s a good thing, because it will feel good when you do.
When I submit to Jordan, I feel like more of myself. I am more creative. I get to feel more, to express more. To embody more. To feel like I am the entire universe at once and like I am being fucked by all of life.
But I do not “give” my partner sex every time he wants it. I do not do things I don’t want to do. Sometimes I say fuck polarity, and fuck all men, and I just want to be mad and in my own stories for a little bit. Sometimes I am feeling collective pain, or pain from past partners. Sometimes I have other priorities. Sometimes my body just simply isn’t interested that day. All of this is necessary, and okay.
You’re allowed to be a full person. You’re allowed to be feminine in many traditional ways and to still stick up for equal rights and hold your boundaries and be loud and take up space. You’re allowed to be a strong woman and still crave submitting to your partner.
There is room for all of it.
To learn more about this, join our online event POWER COUPLE: uplevel your sex life, increase connection, and deepen your communication. It’s happening February 9th, is only $25, and you can ask your questions live. Yes, there will be a recording. Learn more here.
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