The Secret to Being the Most Productive and Creative Person Ever
The first time my boyfriend gave me a pussy massage, I laughed, cried, growled, and had 20 orgasms.
So, I am a little apprehensive about sharing this practice with the world. Because I only want to share it with people who will not misuse it.
Before you read any further, I want you to take a moment, pause, and say to yourself:
“My intention in using this practice with my partner is to help her heal herself and to allow her to feel the most incredible range of pleasure that she can possibly experience.”
Literally, whisper it out loud.
What is pussy massage?
I always want to give credit where credit is due, but the origins of pussy massage are a bit unclear – it seems to be a Western development that was probably based on Taoist and tantra traditions. I learned it from my teacher, Layla Martin.
In addition to making your partner feel incredibly relaxed and safe, pussy massage can be deeply healing. She might burst into tears, scream, feel waves of anger, or giggle uncontrollably – all of these things are natural signs of energy processing through the body.
And while this practice can have the side effect of having multiple, trance-like, life-changing orgasms, they shouldn’t be the main goal of the practice.
Most women have been taught throughout our lives that our bodies take way too long to orgasm, that it’s too annoying to deal with, and that the goal, always, is for us to orgasm as quickly as possible.
Even if you explicitly tell her that’s not the case, there’s a good chance her body reacts to pleasure by tensing up and concentrating on her orgasm.
She can unlearn this by doing her own work, over time, but this practice is a beautiful way to be able to help her with that.
And once she does, it will have exquisite, gorgeous effects on both of your sex lives - so you don’t want to ruin it by making the goal of this practice to orgasm.
You can make the pussy massage its own event, which I suggest doing the first time you try it, but later on you can incorporate it into sex (I’ll explain that at the end).
7 steps for giving the most transformative massage ever:
1. Make the space feel super safe.
This can be done by asking your partner what she needs from you in order to feel the most comfortable. If she doesn’t know how to answer this, or you don’t feel comfortable asking her, you are probably not at the point in your relationship where this practice is a good idea.
Her answers might include things like: having candles around so the space feels beautiful, having a towel on the bed to catch any wetness or oil (there will probably be lots), having the room be warm, wearing socks, having relaxing music playing, or clearing out any stuck emotions between the two of you first.
You also want to be very clear that you will not pressure her into having sex after this practice.
If her body wants to, she can, but she needs to feel completely free to say no. You should also let her know that she can say no at any point during the process – your fingers never have to go inside her to receive benefit from this practice.
Also, make sure you are a full yes to doing this practice. If you aren’t doing it because you want to, neither of you will be able to have a deep experience.
2. Go incredibly, incredibly slow.
Like, slower than you think is necessary. You want to allow her body to relax entirely.
The transformative experiences I have had from my partner respecting this are life-changing – you do not want to touch her clitoris in the beginning, or try to enter her.
Take so much time – I suggest spending at least 10 minutes touching her body before you go near her clitoris. If you touch her clitoris too early, it might cause her body to feel like it has a “goal” of orgasm again, and that negates the benefits of this experience.
3. Stay super present.
Being present means that your mind is fully in the moment you’re in, and it’s not wandering anywhere else. You want to concentrate entirely on how your body feels, how it feels to watch her having this experience, and on how her body feels underneath your hands.
If your mind is elsewhere, she’ll be able to feel it, and her body will not fully relax.
4. Stroke her body.
While she’s lying down, you can sit wide-legged with your pelvis facing hers, and put her legs up over yours – any variation of this that allows you to touch her while feeling comfortable is fine.
You can use oil or not – oil can make it feel even more incredible, but it isn’t necessary – ask her what she wants.
You’ll want to start by touching her entire body. Very slowly, stroke up her body, around her breasts, back down over her hip bones and belly, and then down the sides of her vulva.
“Down the sides of her vulva” means around the sides of the clitoris, not on top of it, and down toward the entrance to her vagina. You can also stroke down her legs or inner thighs. Over time, you’ll get to know her and what strokes feel the most relaxing to her, and you can also ask her.
You’ll repeat these motions for the first ten minutes or so.
You can also try pausing around her vulva and applying gentle pressure to different spots – you can try on either side of the entrance to her vagina, and move up from there.
This may not feel to you like it’s doing anything, but just holding your fingers in different areas can be incredibly healing to her. This is called “dearmoring,” and it has the possibility of allowing her body to process stuck emotions and release past traumas.
You can also try placing your entire hand over her whole pussy, and gently letting it rest there.
She may want to stop here, especially if she’s crying (we’ll talk about this in the next step).
Make sure you are giving her full permission to stop. You can say something like, “We can stop here if you want to. How are you feeling?”
She might be feeling very sensitive, so you don’t want to seem disappointed if she wants to stop – show her that she can say no to you and that you are empowered enough to fully respect that.
5. Enter her only if she’s ready.
If she wants to continue, you can start stroking over her clitoris. Begin by using your entire palm, and slowly, one hand after the other, stroking over the entire vulva. You can softly press on different areas around the clitoris, too.
I suggest refraining from the typical cyclical “pleasure” strokes, unless you do them in super slow-motion, because you don’t want this to feel like you’re trying to get her off.
You can ask her if she feels like you going inside of her, and if she says yes, you can gently put one or two fingers inside of her. Use the other hand to still gently stroke her body.
If she says no, you can continue stroking the outside of her body.
Once inside her, you can do the dearmoring techniques in the same way – pressing gently on different points inside her vagina (try the cervix, the g-spot, and the walls of her vagina) and holding there. You can encourage her to breathe deeply and ask her if it’s okay to keep pressing on each spot. She might have difficulty speaking, because of the intense sensations she’s feeling.
You can allow your intuition to take over here, and press and stroke in different areas. Just keep in mind that there is no goal other than letting her relax into pleasure, and you want to move as slowly as possible.
You can do this for 10 minutes or for an hour – the timing is really up to the two of you. Once you feel like you’re done, you can ask her what she needs. She will most likely want to cuddle, or lie there with you.
6. What to do about tears
If your partner has been working on her own sexuality, or is super sensitive, it is highly likely that she experiences intense emotions throughout this process.
The best thing you can do is to be incredibly encouraging and let her know that all of her emotions are okay, and that you want her to keep expressing them. So if she’s crying, you can gently say, “Yes, let it out,”or “I’m here.” (It might be helpful to ask her ahead of time what she prefers, as language can have a big impact, especially if she’s experienced sexual trauma). Or you can ask her if she wants you to stop and hold her instead.
Like I mentioned earlier, many women have been conditioned that our emotions are too much, so being told that they’re a good thing and you want us to express them is so important.
You can also ask your partner ahead of time what she might want you to do while she’s experiencing different emotions.
7. Should you move into sex?
If she is 100% a full “hell yes” to sex, then you can have sex. But if she is even a 95% yes, I suggest waiting til later. Because this practice is so deeply healing, it can be a lot to process on its own.
Once you’ve done the pussy massage once together, and once you know she’s comfortable telling you no, you can incorporate parts of this into sex.
For example, on some days where I feel really stressed out, my partner will start out by doing the very first part (step 3) of the pussy massage. Sometimes I want him to stop there, and we don’t have sex. And sometimes the result of that step is that my body completely relaxes and I get super wet – and then I might feel like stopping the massage and having sex.
It can be helpful to incorporate in that way, but you don’t want to overuse it, and you do not want to use it as a way to manipulate her into having sex.
Really respect the power of the practice itself and how healing it can be, and utilize it in that way.
I’d love to hear from you if you have any questions about this practice.
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