On Sunday after a long day at the spa we went to get burgers.
I looked at the menu.
Last time we were at this place I built my own burger with only my approved ingredients and I got a lettuce bun.
Lettuce buns are so sad I just want you to know.
This time I looked at the options and I said: I want a poutine burger. A combo. Fries and pop.
A tiny part of my mind said: you will never finish that. Whenever you have ordered something like this you cannot eat it it is so overwhelming. And it will make your stomach hurt.
But I have done a lot of fucking work the last 5 months and that part of my mind was much quieter compared to the desire of my body.
I am hungry.
I want a poutine burger and fries and pop.
When the food came I felt it briefly again.
A hashbrown. A beef patty. An onion ring. Cheese curds. Gravy and bbq sauce and house sauce dripping everywhere.
“You won’t be able to it eat it” it teased me.
And I shoved that voice down and said that’s not what I do anymore.
And I fucking ate it and halfway through I realized it was EASY to eat.
This thing that would have been so intimidating months ago.
That has been intimidating for the past ten years of my life.
I would never have ordered something like this ever.
I looked at Jordan and I just burst into tears.
And then this song came on that was one of my family’s vacation songs when I was younger and I just cried even harder.
My whole life flashing in front of my eyes.
My determination to finally fucking eat.
I am winning. There is me and the eating disorder and I am now louder.
I ate the entire burger. All the fries. An entire glass of sprite. And then I ordered ice cream in a cone and I ate that too.
And then to top it all off
I was FULL.
I have not felt true fullness in over a decade I think.
I was full for 5 HOURS.
The only type of fullness I have experiences over the past 5 months of eating so much is a strange type where my stomach feels like it is about to pop from eating so much but I am still thinking about food. Never quite satisfied.
And it never ever lasts longer than 2 hours before I am starving again. 2.5 hours rarely.
I was actually FULL.
I cried so many times. I said to Jordan I never really thought I would feel full again. I thought my body was broken and I couldn’t know what full felt like.
But now that I feel it I do know it.
I have felt it before.
I remember it.
The past few weeks my hunger has slowed down.
It isn’t completely consistent yet and there are ups and downs but I am just not as hungry.
I will still happily eat McDonald’s if that’s the fastest choice or that’s what there is but I don’t crave it anymore.
I weigh 196 lbs.
That means in the past two weeks I think I gained 3 lbs whereas in two weeks in June I had gained 10.
My white blood cell count which has been low for at least the past five years is BACK TO NORMAL.
I recently learned it was low because my body stopped making bone marrow because it wasn’t being fed enough.
There are other bloodwork things happening – my liver is a bit stressed, cholesterol a little high, etc – all things that are common in recovery and I am working with one of the top doctors in the country to monitor this.
I am not interested in any opinions about my health. I am good and I will update more once I can give a clear and responsible picture of it.
I have to tell you part of me really does not want to share this video at all.
It is like.
I am ugly crying.
My hair is a mess from being in and out of spa water all day.
The lighting is bad.
All my wrinkles and scars are showing.
I look the fattest I have ever seen myself look.
And I am eating a burger with sauce all over my face.
Fat Girl Eating.
But the deepest thing I see when I look at this video is how much I love myself.
I sobbed for a good fifteen minutes out loud in a burger joint in full view of everybody.
I was sobbing long before Jordan took this video.
I was sobbing because I could actually order and easily eat this burger.
I was sobbing because of the music and how much my life has changed.
I was sobbing because of how hard it has been to get to this point and because of how committed I am to myself.
And I didn’t know it yet but I was going to feel completely and totally Full.
For the entire rest of the evening.
5 whole hours before I thought I should probably have a small snack before bed even though I was still barely hungry.
I have lost a lot. A lot of identities and people and who I thought I was.
But I have gained myself.
And I want to share this with you because this is what it really looks like.