Two nights ago, I booked myself into the most luxurious hotel I could find in Vancouver. ⁣

So much had been shifting so quickly that all I could feel was how much I needed to return to my own energy. ⁣

I got off social media, I took the first few days completely off I’ve had in a while. ⁣

Part of my mind was afraid I was dying, my body felt so heavy. It was like I allowed myself to rest a little and then my body pulled me completely, all the way down. ⁣

Jordan massaged my entire body with oil, and then I left to go to the hotel. ⁣

I spent hours in the jacuzzi tub, ordering room service, staring at the fireplace on the tv, drinking pots of decaf coffee, playing music….. and just relishing being completely alone, a rare experience for 2020. ⁣

As I sat in bed and pulled out my journal, I realized what was happening was that I felt completely void. ⁣

Not in a bad way. Just that so many pieces of my ego and my identity have been called into question the past few months that I couldn’t even write to myself the same way as usual. ⁣

Parts of this have been deeply painful. There is such a loss of the way I have related to people in my life, the person I thought I was and used to be. ⁣

And yet there is this seed of something more powerful. More true. ⁣

I told Jordan when I came home last night, I feel like I am meeting myself for the first time. ⁣

My word for 2021 is Responsibility. ⁣

Responsibility for my desire. ⁣
Responsibility for my boundaries. ⁣
Responsibility for my body. ⁣
Responsibility for my energy. ⁣
Responsibility for my power. ⁣
Responsibility for my work. ⁣
Responsibility for myself. ⁣

No part of my mind is interested in this word. ⁣

And it also feels the most true.

 

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