The video that went along with this is here.

I have never ever owned shorts like this in my life. ⁣

I had Rules. ⁣
About what looked good on me. ⁣

Light colored solid leggings were out. They showed every ounce of cellulite. ⁣
No matter how pretty I thought the colors were they were a No. ⁣

Spandex shorts of this length??? Forget it. ⁣
I have short legs. ⁣
I only ever wore the shortest shorts imaginable. ⁣
They made my legs look longer. ⁣

I have started gently adding in some movement. ⁣
My body is in a lot of pain. ⁣
I have not moved in months. ⁣
I am 50% heavier than I have ever been. ⁣
I haven’t weighed myself in weeks so now maybe it is more than that. ⁣
My body needs to learn how to adjust to moving at this new weight. ⁣
This looks like walking and very gentle (think floor) yoga. ⁣

This has been the hardest thing most humbling thing ever for my former athlete self. ⁣
Movement has been my thing. For my entire life. Everything strength based I immediately excelled at. ⁣

To be clear you can be fat and be in super great shape. ⁣
I just have added 70+ lbs to my body in 6 months and during that time I have basically been lying in bed because it was all I could manage to just eat. ⁣

So now me and my body are beginning to move again. In ways that feel good. ⁣
Relearning movement for the joy of how it feels and for no other reason. ⁣

It is a new relationship. One I have never had. ⁣
Exercise was always punishment or discipline or force or making myself look good and feel strong masked as fun which was really just upholding my ego. ⁣

Well now my ego is in a puddle on the floor since I can barely stretch without it hurting. ⁣

And that is ok. ⁣

Yesterday I went for a walk and I realized I have no shorts that are comfortable to walk in. ⁣

It was obvious. ⁣
I needed LONG shorts. ⁣
Long tight spandex shorts. ⁣
That I would never have been caught dead wearing before. ⁣

You may remember a couple months ago I went into this store and tried on shorts like this. ⁣

They have dressing rooms that have mirrors only outside of the rooms. ⁣
Everything you try on you must go out in front of everyone to see. ⁣

Last time I had the worst time, did not buy shorts, and came home and sobbed. ⁣
Because everything looked bad. I looked fat. What had happened to my body. ⁣

Well a lot has shifted in two months and yesterday I went back. ⁣
I bought 5 pairs of shorts like this. ⁣
All in bright and fun colors. ⁣
Even a pair in white. ⁣

I tried on black shorts automatically because “black looks good, it is slimming, it hides things” and when I looked in the mirror I just felt sad. ⁣
I didn’t want black shorts. I wanted the pretty colors. ⁣
So I put them back. ⁣

And I felt this new kind of freedom I have never felt. ⁣

I got home and I burst into tears of happiness, this time. ⁣
And I said to Jordan. I never let myself buy shorts like this because they made me look short and fat. ⁣
Well now I AM short and fat. ⁣
So it doesn’t matter. ⁣
And now I can wear the pretty colors. ⁣

These are extremely comfortable. ⁣
I can move in them. ⁣

I got leggings in this color too bc it is my favorite. ⁣

Last time I was at the store I was so convinced everyone was staring at me. ⁣
I was the fattest one there. ⁣
I was embarrassed talking to the skinny women working there. I did not want their help and I wanted everyone to leave me alone and I did not want to look in the mirror in front of everyone. ⁣

Yesterday I had three women helping me and I couldn’t tell you what size they were and they were all extremely sweet and I did not hesitate at all saying “do you have this in an XXL?” And I did not care about trying things on in the open. ⁣

I have actually been feeling called to share less lately. ⁣
I don’t know what it is. ⁣
There is so much beauty in my life right now that in ways it feels unspeakable. ⁣
I don’t yet know what that will look like over the coming months. ⁣
But this was such a big moment I wanted to share it with you. ⁣