“I don’t want to” is the only reason you ever need for saying no to anything, ever.
Same with: “I’m not interested. I don’t like it. I changed my mind. No. Never. I don’t like you. Please stop talking to me.”
If we were raised female it can be especially hard to say these things. Because it is ingrained in us to BE NICE. be polite. Not cause any problems. Not cause commotion. Not inconvenience anyone, or make things hard for them.
And that’s great….
… except it’s not, really, because all this means is that our boundaries get trampled on a daily basis.
We learn to doubt ourselves and question our own judgement before saying no to anybody else.
We don’t get to learn what a true “yes” feels like. Which sucks, because things we are a full “yes” to are usually the most pleasurable.
Worse than that, we form an inability to say no. We get assaulted and we freeze. People insult us and we smile. We feel stressed all day long. We feel the need to find endless excuses. Someone asks us to do something and we think, “I should be a nice person.”
And this makes SO MUCH SENSE – because that’s exactly what we’ve been taught to do.
A piece of our bodies feels unsafe and its way of protecting us is to do what it learned was best. That’s amazing. It may have helped when you were little, with a screaming parent. But you don’t need to empower that piece anymore.
One way to empower the boundary-setting pieces of ourselves is simply to practice. To show your body that the world will not end if you say no.
I wrote an article detailing all of the easiest ways I’ve practiced saying “no.” It’s on my website.
If you struggle lots with this I have 1:1 coaching spots available. Coaching is like self-work on hyperspeed – we get to the root of what is happening and you’ll feel powerful and able to set boundaries in every area of your life.
In the meantime, I offer you this: What would it mean if you no longer cared about being seen as a nice person?