Food + Body

Sad celebration of the life of my past self

A month and a half ago I went to the beach. I was in my new, bigger body, but I hadn’t fully inhabited her yet. I felt like I was letting go of the girl – really she was slowly being pulled away from me – but I wasn’t yet fully in my woman. I got on a call with Perri, crying, and she said

The hardest parts about this process – real update of where I’m at

This process – of feeding myself more – has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It took me months to realize the extent of my restrictions and to fully go All In. That only really happened in June. Some days I feel miserable. Where I’ve only slept 3 hours because I didn’t eat enough before bed because I was tired and just wanted to

TRULY GOING ALL IN – normal grocery stores, processed food, and up 40 lbs

I’m sitting here with a bowl of instant ramen. While the water was boiling I held the package, bright green plastic crinkling in my hands. There must have been 30 ingredients. Mostly things I couldn’t pronounce. MSG. Flavorings. Chemicals. And I watched as my mind wanted to freak the fuck out and I said this is actually going to make us healthier. This is what

This body wants sex

This body wants sex. ⁣ ⁣ A week ago or so something happened and my desire for sex just fully unlocked. ⁣ ⁣ I don’t know what it was. A culmination of a lot of things, I think. Years of work with sexual energy and the dismantling of conditioning and suddenly I am feeling my pure desire. ⁣ ⁣ And maybe just eating. A fully

I’ve gained 30 lbs: feeding myself fully & trusting my hunger

133. 147. 162. I think some people think I am trying to gain weight. But that’s not true. The weight gain has been a byproduct of fully listening to my actual hunger. Letting my body tell me what it wants instead of judging it, controlling it, trying to fix it, or make it be the way I think it should be. So when I look

Donuts & Doritos & Crossing 160: Going “Out of Control”

Last night I finally crossed 160. I had just finished two donuts and a slushie (yep, no more only whole foods – I’ll get to that later) and I just had a feeling. I’ve been stepping on the scale for the past week being like, did I do it yet?! But every day it was like 156, 158, even 159.6, 157, 158…. just hovering. This

Feeling like I “ruined” my body & having more than enough

“You ruined it.” That is what my mind sometimes says when I look in the mirror right now. You ruined it. Part of me is horrified that I ruined it. Part of me is super gleeful that I ruined it. The deeper part of me is like, ruined what? What did I “ruin”? Can my body ever be “ruined”? I feel amazed at my body,

Healing my inner teenager & being hungry before bed

Last night Jordan and I stayed up talking for a few hours, lying in bed. It was close to midnight and right as we were ready to sleep I realized I was starving. When I was little, there were nights where I would lie in bed, not wanting to go to sleep because I was hungry. I would say “I’m hungry” and my mom would

Gaining weight: the first two months, going shopping

I have gained around 14 pounds in the last two months. It’s hard to say exactly; weighing myself wasn’t a big habit of mine. But my weight has hovered around 133 for the past 5 or 6 years (aside from a few months years ago where I was lifting a ton and it got up to 138 or so). And I think I last knew

Food & ice cream & weight gain & nourishment (the beginning)

I have been eating ice cream every day. This is a far cry from the woman I was last year, who thought sugar was dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. And it’s even farther from the 20-year-old who cut out food groups, did “cleanses” where she did not eat, was paranoid of eating basically anything, and desperately tried to “fix” her body. This