This process – of feeding myself more – has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It took me months to realize the extent of my restrictions and to fully go All In. That only really happened in June. Some days I feel miserable. Where I’ve only slept 3 hours because I didn’t eat enough before bed because I was tired and just wanted to

I’m sitting here with a bowl of instant ramen. While the water was boiling I held the package, bright green plastic crinkling in my hands. There must have been 30 ingredients. Mostly things I couldn’t pronounce. MSG. Flavorings. Chemicals. And I watched as my mind wanted to freak the fuck out and I said this is actually going to make us healthier. This is what

133. 147. 162. I think some people think I am trying to gain weight. But that’s not true. The weight gain has been a byproduct of fully listening to my actual hunger. Letting my body tell me what it wants instead of judging it, controlling it, trying to fix it, or make it be the way I think it should be. So when I look

Last night I finally crossed 160. I had just finished two donuts and a slushie (yep, no more only whole foods – I’ll get to that later) and I just had a feeling. I’ve been stepping on the scale for the past week being like, did I do it yet?! But every day it was like 156, 158, even 159.6, 157, 158…. just hovering. This

“You ruined it.” That is what my mind sometimes says when I look in the mirror right now. You ruined it. Part of me is horrified that I ruined it. Part of me is super gleeful that I ruined it. The deeper part of me is like, ruined what? What did I “ruin”? Can my body ever be “ruined”? I feel amazed at my body,