Hi Demetra,

My partner and I have been together for 6 months now. We are in our late 20s-30s. He started getting kinky and weird. He knows I am not open to some certain things in sex, but he’s so into them that I don’t wanna break his heart. To be honest, I kinda wanna try them too. But I can’t convince myself to try them. I don’t know how to deal with it. How to do something I’ve never done?

 

Hi love,

What I am feeling while reading this is that it seems like you want to try these things in bed with your partner, but that you have some uncertainty and fear holding you back. Which is so totally normal! But first I want to pose a couple questions, just in case I’m wrong and this isn’t the case.

 

1.     Are you sure you feel safe and comfortable enough to try this with your partner?

2.     Are you certain that part of you *does* want to try kink, or is it coming solely from a desire to please him?

 

If all of you is giving a hard “no,” and you’re only wanting to do these things because he wants them, then I think this is worth revisiting with your partner. If it breaks his heart that you don’t want to do the things he wants to do, that is on him – you are worth setting your own boundaries for. And you are also worth someone else respecting them.

Many women also have had trauma happen to them that kink can reactivate, if we’re not engaging in it in a safe and conscious way. So that is also worth considering, if that’s true for you. (Some people actually heal trauma through BDSM, but that’s outside my expertise).

But, if there is a tiny part of you that is curious, but just doesn’t know where to begin (which I am sensing might more be the case?), then it sounds like it is definitely worth exploring!

Kink forces us to open up to our aggressive and dominant sides (or our submissive ones). Both of these things are really vulnerable! Most of us aren’t used to unleashing these qualities in front of other people, if ever. That’s why it can feel so uncomfortable, and even slightly unnatural at first.

If done in a way that is safe and consenting, kink can really help us process and heal a lot of these emotions.

But like you say – if you’ve never done it, where to start?

In a more practical sense, there are a lot of resources out there on beginning playing with kink. The general rule seems to be to start lightly, and then let things get more intense from there. You could get handcuffs or rope, and tie each other up however you want – arms and legs, just arms, etc. You could choke each other super lightly and see how that feels. You could slap each other’s butts and see what strength level feels best. You could even go shopping together for BDSM toys and pick something out that feels intriguing for both of you. You want to explore different things, taking the attitude that you are learning about something for the first time! You won’t be perfect at it, and that’s okay.

If you want to try being the dominant one but it feels uncomfortable to express aggression, you can practice a little bit on your own. You could do something like hitting pillows or screaming as loudly as you can into a pillow or throw a tantrum – and really let yourself “lose it” and express that side of yourself however you want to. Or if wants to act it out and have you order him around, you can practice that out loud by yourself, too. If you’re more comfortable with expressing those things on your own, you’ll be more comfortable with your partner.

Above all, communication about it is key. I definitely suggest talking about it with your partner first. Ask him first (in person) if you can talk about it, and then explain that you’re feeling curious but a little uncertain, and that you might be open to exploring some things but want to take it really slowly.

Have a conversation with him about what you want to try, and also let him know the things you currently feel open to and the things that you don’t. For example, maybe in his version of kink, he wants to tie you up and choke you and slap you, and he expresses that to you during your conversation. And maybe you consider it and decide you feel okay with being tied up and slapped lightly, but for right now, you don’t want to be choked or slapped very hard, or maybe just not slapped in certain areas.

These things can change over time, and they can even change in the moment. That’s why open communication and consent around it all is so integral. If at any point you become uncomfortable, he has to be okay with you stopping. (And who knows, maybe there will be something you thought you wouldn’t like much, but in the future you end up wanting to try it).

I also suggest switching roles and seeing what it feels like to be both. He might be really used to always being the dominant one, so see what happens if you tie him up completely and then you have all of the control! Or vice versa. You might end up liking one role more than the other, but you won’t know until you try.

The cool thing about it is that you get to decide. No one is born knowing exactly how to do all of these things perfectly. Maybe you’ll try choking your partner, or having him choke you, and decide it isn’t for you. Maybe you’ll mess it up in a way that makes you both laugh. Maybe you’ll love parts of it on some days but not want it at all on others (this will almost definitely be the case). Any of these things are totally okay.

It is feeling to me like talking about it to your partner is the most important first step for you. The way you wrote some of your question – like saying he is getting “kinky and weird” – makes me feel like he might be engaging in that during sex without asking you if it’s okay first. Make sure he knows that it’s really important that he always ask. It will be good for the two of you to have a conversation about it outside of the bedroom, when you’re in less triggering territory, and just talk about what you are interested in and what you’re not comfortable enough. But it also might be good to let him know to ask you every time you’re having sex before he does anything like that, so you get to really feel into your body and see if that’s what you want today.

Sometimes women are so conditioned to please our partners no matter what, that we feel like once we’ve started something we don’t have the ability to stop it or to say no. It can be so subconscious, that I’ve actually started having my partner always pause and ask if I definitely want to have sex, even if I’m completely acting like I do! It’s great to have that moment of time to consider what my body wants and to let it know that it’s okay if I say no.

 

Good luck, and please write back and let me know how it goes!